


Your Body Is A Wonderland

by HeroSavesPeople



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Body Dysmorphia, College WA, F/M, Family, HS WA, Healing, Health, Hopeful Ending, Hospitalization, Love, Malnourishment, Malnutrition, Modeling, Romance, WA AU, Westallen AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 17:32:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18609232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroSavesPeople/pseuds/HeroSavesPeople
Summary: Barry watches the love of his life wither away, a prisoner to her own mind. The road to recovery is a powerful journey.If any of the tagged themes are disturbing, please do not read this.





	Your Body Is A Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not read further if any of the tagged themes are disturbing or triggering.
> 
> Thank you to liquidheartbeatz for doing an initial read and assuaging my concerns. Your support and feedback are much, much appreciated. <3

He saw her through the window as he approached Jitters.  She was sitting at their usual table, meticulously rearranging the tissue box and menus left on the table.  He kept his eyes on her even as he opened the door and she wiped down the table with a tissue before folding it over twice and tossing it into the nearest bin.  She had just sat back down when Barry walked over to her and leaned in to kiss her on the head.

"Hey, b-Iris."  He had to quickly correct himself, the pet name almost slipping past his lips without a thought.  They had been in this strange limbo state for a bit now and he was uncertain as to whether his terms of endearments would be welcome.

To cover up the almost slip-up, he cleared his throat and took the seat across from her.  "Sorry, I'm late.  I really did rush out early, but traffic was insane because someone got into a fender bender."

Iris looked up at him and smiled, shaking her head.  She fiddled with the sleeves of her sweater before stopping her movements abruptly and flattening her hands on the table.  "It's alright. I got some work done while I was waiting."

He brightened at that.  "Oh yeah?"

"Submitted the article for the paper and did some sketches."

"Can I see?"

Her face waned a little and he was going to reassure her that she didn't have to show him when she flipped open her sketchbook and showed it to him.

"Kind of obsessed with the seafront view," she said by way of explanation.

He flipped through the pages in awe, taking in her artwork.  There were different versions of the seafront and the nearby bridge among scattered drawings of a caged bird.

"These are really great, Iris," he said looking up at her.

The smile that split across her face was bright and he felt a warmth in his chest. It truly felt like years since the last time he saw her smile so purely and god, he had missed it.

Wanting to keep that smile on her face, he asked "Can I keep one?  I want to frame it."

Iris let out a small giggle.  "Stop, you're just being nice."

"Are you kidding?  Iris, these are incredible."

She looked at him and shook her head fondly at him.  "Fine, take your pick."

As he mulled over which one he wanted to take, Iris's phone buzzed. Her sigh pulled his attention away as he examined her face instead. It was pulled into a frown, a crease forming between her brows as her fingers began to fiddle again.

"Hey," he said softly, reaching out to still her hands. "Everything ok?"

Iris hesitated, before letting out a deep breath. "Yeah, it was just my agent. Or ex-agent, I should say."

A surge of anger flooded Barry. "Wait, didn't you tell her you quit? I mean, doesn’t she know that you only just got out of treatment, why the hell is she contacting you?"

"She just said there was a great contract deal that Vogue wanted to sign with me and I already told her I was done, but she keeps pushing it."

"Yeah, I'm sure the hefty paycheck they're offering is a great motivation," Barry said with ire.

He saw the discomfort in her face and took in a breath. He knew getting riled up wasn't going to help Iris, but her former occupation has been a sore spot for a while. It was what lead to her health declining and their break-up, so if he never heard the words "agent" or "modeling" ever again, it would be too soon.

Barry rubbed his face with one hand, trying to school his features. "What did you say to her?"

He wanted to grab her phone and block her agent's number, but he knew it wasn't his decision to make. Something had made Iris keep it and she needed to work through whatever that was. Whether it was some sliver of hope that she would be able to one day return to that world or maybe it was something that gave her to work toward. Maybe if she got better, she'd be able to go back.

"I told her that I wasn't interested and that I quit," she said with a shrug. She opened her sketchbook and started idly letting her pencil drift across the page. “I’m not going back.”

He was beginning to recognize the subtle signs that she was uncomfortable and he hated feeling so helpless. Not for the first time, he wondered if he was to blame. That she was here in this state because of him.

When Iris was first approached by a talent scout during their college tour, he got a laugh out of it. Iris was achingly beautiful and if there was anyone that would be approached, it would be her. That didn't come as a surprise to him, but the scene was so surreal it was like something out of a story.

They had laughed about it as they looked up the agency to verify its legitimacy and joked about it for days until it came time to submit the first semester's tuition.

Barry and Iris both decided to attend Central City University, Barry for biochemistry and Iris for journalism. But what Iris hadn’t anticipated was how little grant and financial aid she was going to receive. Somehow living in a single-income household wasn't enough to qualify for a higher financial aid package and Iris began to look at the agent's business card more and more.

"I'm thinking about calling the scout lady," Iris said one day.

Barry tilted his head on her lap to look at her, setting his textbook down on his chest.

"Wait, really?" he asked amused.

Iris shrugged as she fiddled with his hair. "Yeah, I mean, it could be a good way to make money on the side, you know? I can only do so much at Jitters and maybe some of these gigs can help me pay for classes."

Barry looked away thoughtfully. "I mean, I guess so. But I don't know, that world seems kind of crazy. Do you really want to be surrounded by a bunch of people whose number one concern is being a size negative zero?"

He frowned at the thought. Barry was always teased for how skinny he was, and he hated that it made him self-conscious about his body until he outgrew the insecurities, he couldn't imagine being in an environment where that's what all people cared about.

"Please," Iris scoffed. "Becky Cooper tried to convince me I was fat for a whole year before she realized she couldn't get me kicked off the cheer team. If I can handle that troll, I'll be just fine."

Barry hummed. It was true Iris had a hell of a lot more confidence than he ever did.

He shrugged against her. "Then yeah, I mean, if you want to give it a shot. I can come with you to meet the lady."

Iris beamed down at him. "Aw, would you really? I'd love that."

And that was how Barry and Iris found themselves at a studio for a clothing photoshoot one month later. Joe hadn't been thrilled with the idea of his daughter missing classes just to have her picture taken, even if it was nice that she was making pocket money. But as Iris so eloquently pointed out, she was officially an adult and didn’t need his permission. So, he turned to Barry to watch over her.

He certainly wasn't intending to get dragged into it all.

One day Iris came bounding into his room with a plate of his favorite triple chocolate chunk cookies that he'd usually have to beg her to make and her famous macaroni and cheese. She laid out a mini picnic at the foot of his bed while he looked at her suspiciously all the while.

"Iris," he said cautiously. "What's all this?"

She looked at him innocently with her doe eyes as she plopped scoops of mac n’ cheese onto a plate and held it out toward him.

He slowly slid off his bed and onto the blanket, taking the plate from her as though it was going to explode on him any moment.

"Nothing," she said with a shrug. "I just had a great meeting with Caitlin."

"Oh," Barry said, digging in. "You booked another gig? That's awesome. I thought you did something or were going to make me do something I wouldn't want to. Mm, this is so good."

"Well…"

With his face still buried in the mac n' cheese, he looked up at her under his lashes. "Iris," he said through a mouthful of food.

Iris held out the plate of freshly baked cookies in front of him, wafting the smell toward him in a tantalizing manner.

"I promise it's just a little, teeny thing," she said.

Barry swallowed down his food with a swig of water before reaching for a cookie. Iris pulled it out of his grasp with a sheepish grin.

"I'm holding them hostage for now."

"Wha-Iris!"

"Ok look, so there's this photoshoot in a couple of weeks in New York City for this new store that's doing a ‘his and hers’ type of special campaign. Caitlin thinks I'd be great for it and now she just needs to book a model that would have great chemistry with me since we would be doing them in pairs, basically pretend to be a couple. Now the thing is…I kind of suggested you."

Barry looked at Iris for a long moment, wondering if this was a joke.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"I think you've gone insane," Barry finally said.

"No, Barry, I think this would great. Don't see it as a modeling event, see it as a paid vacation to one of the coolest cities ever! We'd be there for a night and two days, our plane tickets and hotel all paid for. We'd be at the shoot for a couple of hours and then bam, the rest of the time we can just tour the city."

Barry shoves a spoonful of pasta in his mouth. "Ok, that sounds really cool—"

"Right?!"

" _But,_ Iris, I am not a model. I can barely stand still to take a picture with you, what makes you think I'll be able to in front of a bunch of people where I'll have to probably smolder at the camera. Ugh." He shuddered at the thought.

"Oh no, it's not like some sexy campaign, it's super casual and all we'd have to do is act like a couple. Which we are," Iris pointed out.

Barry groaned. "Iris, this sounds like such a bad idea. And Caitlin just went along with it? I mean, she's got professional models that are actually looking for jobs and would be a better fit. Why would she even spare me a thought?"

Iris leaned over and smacked a kiss to his lips before licking off the cheese from the corner of his mouth.

"You're telling me that there's a guy out there that looks better by my side than you? I don’t believe it."

"Hey! That's not what I'm saying."

And then a sudden image of a really, generically handsome guy popped into his head. Standing beside Iris, holding her close to him, maybe even kissing her. _Oh god._

"And besides, Caitlin has met you at shoots before and she thinks we have great chemistry. I, for one, have to agree," she said, her voice taking on a sultry tone as her fingers not-so-casually ran down his chest.

He swallowed thickly, his resolve weakening even as he tried to fight against her.

"Come on, babe." She placed an open-mouthed kiss against his neck, her lips sliding up until they reached his ear. "We make a great team, don't we? I really don't want to do this without you. "

"I really hate having my picture taken," he tried in a strained voice.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his face. "It'll just be for a couple of hours and our eyes are just going to be on each other. You can stand to look at me lovingly just for a couple of hours, can't you?" she said softly.

He closed his eyes, savoring her soft lips on his skin. "Huh? Iris, I could look at you lovingly for the rest of our lives."

"So, what's just a couple of hours?"

She buried a hand in his hair while the other traveled down the back of his shirt, stroking his skin in the way he loved so much. His skin was starting to heat up under her touch.

"Ugh…ok," he whined.

"Ok?" she asked against the corner of his mouth.

"Ok."

She let out a squeal that broke him out of his haze and he couldn't help laughing with her. "What have you gotten me into, West?"

"The time of our lives." She pulled him into a hard kiss, gripping his face in her hands. He let his hands roam until he found what he was looking for.

Pulling away, he stuffed half the cookie in his mouth and let out a satisfied groan.

Iris shook her head at him with an affectionate smile. "You fiend."

The shoot was as painful as he expected. There were always three people on him, messing with his clothes, his hair and face. He'd seen Iris being fussed about but didn't realize how annoying it was. Most of the time, he'd have his head buried in a book during that part and would look up when she was all ready, but even though he brought a book with him, he had been fooling himself if he thought he'd be able to get to even pull it out.

The actual picture-taking part wasn't too miserable as it mostly involved him staring at Iris lovingly—not much different than his usual look. The flashes from the camera were a bit distracting and it took a few tries to get comfortable, but once he allowed himself to tune it all out and just focus on Iris, it was ok.

The moment it was over though, he tore off his clothes right in front of everyone and changed into his own before sitting down to wait for Iris.

"Ok, I'm ready to collect on my debt," he said, once she was in her own clothes. He shot up and dragged her out as she laughingly jogged to keep up with him.

They spent the next two days exploring the city and Barry was able to forget the horror of the photoshoot as he enjoyed the experience with Iris. And she certainly made up for it by taking him to all the places on his list and then two more times that night in their hotel room.

If that was what he could expect after one of these shoots, then he just may consider joining her for more. Maybe.

But then slowly something was changing in Iris. He could see in the way she'd look at herself in the mirror, the way that she pushed away food when he'd try to serve her a second helping. It became all the more apparent when they moved in together during their first year of college.

She'd stand in her underwear, examining her body from different angles.

He'd come up behind her and wrap his arms around her, his hands roaming across her body as he nuzzled kisses on her neck and shoulder.

"Mmh, can I have some of this? I'm starting to get jealous of your mirror, you've been spending all this time with it."

"That's not funny, Barry," she sighed, pulling away.

"What do you mean?"

"You're calling me vain," she said, pulling on an oversized sweater.

Barry balked at her. "What? That is not-Iris, I was just joking. I don't think you're vain."

"Ok, well great." She pulled her hair into a bun and walked out of their room.

Barry stood there for a moment, wondering what had just happened. He walked out and glanced at Iris who was pouring over her laptop, working on an assignment. Deadlines were quickly approaching and he knew she was stressed on top of booking a couple of more gigs.

She was probably stressed, so he set about putting together one of her comfort foods. He heated up a leftover brownie before adding a scoop of ice cream and taking it over to her.

"Iris," he said snuggling against her side. "I'm sorry. I was honestly just joking. Truce?"

He presented her with the dessert, but Iris simply glances at it before turning back to her laptop.

"I'm not hungry," she murmured.

Ok, now he was really disturbed. "Since when are you not in the mood for hot brownies and ice cream?"

"Since I couldn't fit into my dress at the last shoot." She was clacking away on her laptop, but Barry could detect the stiffness in her body.

"So, they got your measurements wrong, tell them to get you another dress."

"It's not that easy, Bar. They'd have to custom-make a whole other dress, no, a whole other _wardrobe_ for me. I have to stay in shape."

Barry scoffed, setting down the plate. He turned to wrap his arms around her waist and nuzzle into her neck.

"How are you going to be in any more shape than this?"

His hand wandered underneath her oversized sweater to caress her bare leg, slowly inching up. Iris stopped his ascent.

"Babe, not now. I feel gross and I have this essay I have to finish up."

Barry leaned back to look at her, an unsettling feeling taking over his body.

"Iris, what's going on? You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen, no matter your size."

She wouldn't look at him, but she had stopped typing, her fingers stalling on the keyboard.

"Can you look at me?" he pleaded.

After a long moment, she finally turned to return his gaze. He took her face in his hands and brought her close until they were just an inch away. He kissed each of her cheeks then each of her eyes, slowly making his way down to her jaws.

"You're so sexy, so gorgeous, I can't control myself sometimes." She let out a breathless laugh as his lips traveled over her neck, sucking on her pulse point. "Mm, so good."

His hands roved over her body, sneaking under her sweater. "And your body? Your body is a wonderland."

Iris giggled, her own hands traveling under his shirt. "You're such a cornball."

"Oh yeah?" he murmured. He gripped her bare waist and leaned her back until he could slide over her body. And then he started to sing in his soft, melodic voice. "'Your body is a wonderland, I’ll use my hands, your body is a wonderland, damn baby, frustrate me, I know you're all mine, all mine, all _mine’_.''

He sang against her skin, his lips dragging across her sweet flavor. Iris tugged his shirt off and kissed his shoulder before leaning up to press her lips against his ear. "You're all mine, all mine, all mine."

"That I am," he said, his voice husky as he dove in for her lips, rucking her sweater up. "All yours."

But that was only the beginning of Iris's declining health.

Freshman year was an adjustment for both of them between juggling a packed course load, jobs, and extracurricular activities. Soon, Barry and Iris were struggling to spend even dinner together and all the while Iris was withering away.

Her movements were starting to slow and she was sleeping longer. And even more frightening was how tiny she felt in his arms in the rare moments they did see each other. Iris was already small in stature, so petite, he often teased her about how he felt like he was dating a little fairy, which often resulted in a punch to his arm. But now when he held her, it was just hard edges. The soft flesh he loved to dig his hands into her was just paper-thin skin stretched across fragile bones.

Iris had been lying across the couch one night, reading, while Barry leaned his head against the cushion as he worked on studying his chem notes. It was one of the few times they were both home at the same time and he wanted to take advantage of the moment. Growing bored, he’d turn to nuzzle against her stomach.

He was feeling the distance as it had been a while since they spent any proper quality time together. Even though they lived together and even shared the same bed, they barely saw each other these days. It was safe to say their alone time was few and far in between.

“Iris?” he murmured. “Miss you.”

She hummed sleepily in response as he lifted her shirt up to kiss her belly button. She lazily let her fingers drift into his hair as he slowly revealed more skin. But his lips didn’t make it further up her torso because the sight before him made him rear back. The breath was knocked out of him as though someone had sucker punched him.

“I-Iris.”

“Hm?” she mumbled, letting her book drop to her chest. She blearily rubbed her eyes before turning over, stretching her body out.

Her stomach looked as though it was caved in, hollow as her ribs stood out, her skin straining against them. He could barely get the words out, his breath releasing in a gasp and all he could do was stare in horror.

He didn’t confront her then as she drifted off into slumber, but his mind was racing. How could he have not seen this? How could he have not seen the signs? Decreased appetite, sluggish movements, a noticeable loss in weight and decreased libido. The tell-tale signs were there, how could he have been so stupid and blind? How had he let himself neglect her in the midst of late night studying and research at the lab?

Barry decided to skip his class the next day to talk to her. He was gearing up on how to approach this because no one liked to be called out when they were exhibiting self-destructive behavior. He decided he would make her a large breakfast so that she would eat something, anything.

He laid out everything on the counter, all the essential breakfast foods, plus some of her favorite snacks that may not have been traditional breakfast meals. At twenty past nine, he expected Iris to get out of bed but heard no movements. He waited another few minutes before he started feeling antsy and went to wake her up.

“Iris,” he called softly. “Baby, it’s time to wake up or you’ll miss your class.”

She barely moved and if it hadn’t been for the slow rise and fall of her chest, Barry would have reached for his phone right then. He rubbed her arm and he was shaken by how fragile and thin she felt underneath him. It was as if the slightest twist could break it in two.

He pressed his forehead against her temple and tried again. “Iris, I made some breakfast. Your favorites.”

She groaned then. “M’not hungry,” she mumbled, turning in bed.

“Iris, we need to talk.”

She opened her eyes then, peeking up at him from underneath her long lashes. “What about?”

“Why don’t you wash up? I know you’re not hungry, but it would be nice if we can have breakfast together. We haven’t done that in awhile.”

Iris got ready while Barry paced in the kitchen, running his hands through his hair every so often. When she finally stepped out and saw the spread on the table, she started fidgeting with her shirt sleeve.

“Come sit with me, Iris.”

She cautiously sat down. “What’s going on?”

“You tell me. I’ve been so goddamn stupid and blind this whole time and I didn’t realize something was going on with you—”

“Nothing is going on with me. What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been avoiding me. At first, I thought it was because both of us got so busy with our schedules, especially with you flying out to shoots for days at a time,” he sighed, rubbing his forehead. “But then I realized, I was seeing less and less of you and when I did see you, you didn’t look ok. You _don’t_ look ok, Iris.”

“Well, thanks, that’s nice to hear from my boyfriend,” Iris said, turning away.

“No! That’s not-Iris,” he took her hand in his. “What I mean is, you haven’t been eating and I’m worried...god, I can’t even believe I’m saying this, but I’m worried you have an eating disorder? I can’t-I can’t believe that this could be true, because you’re _Iris West._ You’ve never been so critical of your body, ever, not even when someone was trying to actually tear you down. If anything, I was the one who was insecure.”

Iris snatched her hand away and stood up. “ _Insecure?_ I am not insecure, Barry, you have no idea what you’re saying. I’m perfectly fine.”

“Really,” he said standing up. “Alright, if you’re so fine, then have breakfast with me.”

He picked up a cinnamon roll and held it out to her. “Eat something so I know you’re ok. Because if you can’t eat then you must be sick and that’s something we need to address.”

“I am _not_ sick!”

“Then why aren’t you eating? In fact, you haven’t been eating for weeks. It’s no wonder you’re so tired all the time and I found you’ve been missing class too.”

Iris crossed her arms and looked at him severely. “How would you know that?”

“Linda. She said you missed a couple of your intro class and haven’t made it back to the paper.” Barry scoffed, his eyes filling with tears. “This is all my fault. All this time I thought you were leaving the apartment after I was, you were withering away. How could I not have known?”

“Barry, stop. Nothing is wrong, ok?” She moved over to grab her bag. “Now, since you’re so concerned with my missing classes, this conversation is delaying me.”

“By the time you get there, there’ll only be ten minutes left,” Barry said, pointing at her schedule on the fridge, tacked up next to his. “We need to talk about this, Iris.”

“There is nothing to talk about. You’re blowing this all out of proportion.”

“Iris, we need to go to a doctor.”

She looked at him wide-eyed. “You know what? I may not make it to my class, but I’m not sticking around for this conversation.”

“Iris—”

But she was already gone.

They did make up later that night when Iris came back to the apartment and brought him his favorite shake as a peace offering. She pulled his face to her and kissed him gently.

“Babe, I know you’re just looking out for me, but I’m ok. I’ve got it under control.”

Barry’s eyes flickered across her beautiful chocolate ones. The ones that made it so easy to get lost and forget there was an actual world around them sometimes. But in that moment, as he looked into those eyes that he loved so much, he didn’t feel warmth or comfort. He felt fear.

Because unlike the usual brightness that was just so quintessentially Iris, there was a dullness, a weariness that made him felt unsettled. After that, Barry changed tactic and tried to be more gentle in his approach, but all it seemed to do was push her away.

“I’m grabbing lunch with a classmate, so I’ll eat then,” she’d say. Or, “Sorry, I just ate so, I’m all stuffed.”

And when he did manage to convince her to share a meal with him, she would fidget in her seat, shifting the food around. He tried not to watch her like a hawk, or at least be obvious about it, but he felt so uncertain about what to do. Confronting her head-on was clearly not the best move, but how long could he just be passive-aggressive about it? He wanted to call Joe, but he knew that would be the final straw and she would turn away from him. He tried talking to his mom about it without letting on how severe the situation was, but it seemed as though nothing was working.

 

He tried approaching her about at least drinking meal-replacement drinks so that she would get something in her stomach and bringing healthy snacks. He cleared out their apartment until it was devoid of any junk food and instead brought in fruits and vegetables so they could make smoothies together. That seemed to have mollified her a little, but she wasn’t drinking enough to sustain her.

And then one day he went to use the bathroom while she was taking a shower and he couldn’t walk on eggshells anymore. He could see her frame through the glass door and he was just done. Done.

That led to their second fight and it was then that she started staying with Linda. He knew she was coming back to the apartment because he’d find more of her things missing. He tried calling, leaving messages and even though he knew it would make her hate him more, she called Joe. He just didn’t know what to do.

After Joe stepped in, it felt like things were maybe getting better. She still wasn’t talking to him, but from what her father and Linda told him, Iris was spending more time at home and attending classes and hadn’t booked a shoot in weeks.

But then one day, he got a call from the local hospital saying Iris was brought into the ER after collapsing in class. His heart leaped to his throat and it was as though his body was on autopilot. In a whirlwind, he grabbed his car keys and raced to the hospital in record time.

The sight before him nearly brought him to his knees. She looked like death with a saline drip attached to her arm, her body so small and frail in the white hospital gown. He stumbled into the room to sit beside her, but he was almost scared to. He could barely recognize the girl he loved. Her hair, her skin, her eyes that once glowed was so limp and dry.

Tears pooled in his eyes as he reached over to touch her, his hands shaky.

“Iris?”

She stirred slightly. “Barry?” she rasped.

“I’m here, Iris, I’m right here.”

She turned to look at him. “What happened?

“You fainted in class,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and wiped the errant tear from the corner of his eye. “Um, they brought you here because you were dehydrated and malnourished. So…”

He didn’t know what else to say. Everything that he could possibly tell her, he already did a hundred times over. He loved her, she was the most beautiful person, she was perfect just as she was, she was strong enough to rise above superficial expectations, she was the strongest person he knew...and she was scaring the life out of him. He’s tried to break through this barrier that she created, but she wouldn’t let him in. How did it come to this?

"I don’t know what to do anymore," he’d wept. "I can't watch you hurting yourself and feel so powerless to stop it. I just-I don't know what to do."

He slumped over and buried his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking with the force of his silent sobs. He felt her hand sweep through his hair and he let out a shuddering gasp.

"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice. "I'm so sorry."

The tears finally subsided and he nodded into his hand.

When her father arrived an hour later, the three of them talked about a facility near home that took Joe’s insurance. There were more tears, but Iris finally nodded her assent. And now after a few weeks, she was finally starting to look like herself again. Barry wasn’t sure if her size was considered normal, but her father assured that her weight was back to the standard weight for her height and muscle mass. She had frequent check-ups with the doctor and she was safely out of the dark. Now, it was a matter of keeping her healthy.   

He tried to give her the space to recover without him breathing down her neck and let her reach out to him, but wrote to her, so she’d have something to look forward to in the mail. He didn’t know how she felt about him considering they had fought before she landed in the hospital. They didn’t have time to talk about their relationship and frankly, it was low on priority as far as he was concerned. He just wanted Iris back. The Iris that he knew was in there but just clouded by a world that wasn’t hers.

She called him every day in between support groups and activities and at first, she seemed wary and unsettled in her new routine, her new environment. She seemed to have sought him out as comfort, seeking something familiar in this unfamiliar territory. They never talked about why she ended up there, just stuck to the safe topics like her daily routine, how his classes were going. But, he stayed on the phone as long as he could, savoring the sound of her voice even when it sounded cracked and fragile.

But slowly, he started hearing the change and eventually saw it during family weekend. He had first heard about it from Joe and waited until Iris brought it up herself. He didn’t want to push her to see him if she didn’t want to, but when she invited him over the phone, he felt like he could let out a breath. And when he saw her that weekend, he did let out a deep breath.

She’d looked so different compared to the morbid sight at the hospital. She looked small, but she was starting to gain the color back in her skin and the hollowness in her cheeks was less apparent. When she saw them, her face split into a smile he’d missed so much. His heart pattered in his chest like the first time he saw her and it reminded him of the way it would stutter in those times before he worked up the courage to ask her out.

“There’s my baby girl,” Joe said, pulling her into a gentle embrace.

“Hey, dad.”

When they pulled apart, Iris turned to look at him, something shining in her eyes. “Barry.”

He wanted to rush over and pull her tight against him, hold her until he couldn’t anymore. But he took a slow step toward her and let her meet him halfway. When she was finally in his arms, his arms felt heavy with the weight of everything as they wrapped around her. He wanted to cry all over again, feeling her in his arms. What had happened to his confident Iris?

But as he pulled away and looked into those chocolate eyes that made him weak, he saw the strength was there. The fighter in her was alive and well and it brought him such relief.

Iris skirted around talking about what she discussed in therapy and mainly stuck to the activities she was involved in. She spoke about how she apparently had a penchant for art that she didn’t know about and showed some of her paintings. They met with the director of the therapeutic recreation department who praised her progress and showed them Iris’s orchids that she kept alive. It was meant to show how these beautiful, living beings needed sustenance just like people and it was our responsibility to provide them, particularly hothouse flowers.

It wasn’t long before Iris was able to attend therapy as an outpatient and she was back to preparing for summer classes to make up for what she missed during the semester. And even though Iris was ready to move forward and determined to never return to that life, it seemed as though she was still being haunted. The agency that she left behind was knocking on her door again. Or rather, blowing up her phone.

“Have you thought about blocking her?” Barry asked cautiously, thinking about the new agent that replaced Caitlin Snow. Amunet Black or something. Barry was reluctant to bring anything up on his own lest he touched upon something sensitive.

Iris sighed and rubbed a hand across her face. “I don’t know, I was thinking about how she could be a good connection to get an internship at some magazine, but she’s been a pain in the ass that I am thinking about doing it.”

“Plus, you have Caitlin that you can contact. Have you spoken to her?”

“I haven’t since the hospital,” Iris said. Her phone buzzed again. “Ok, that’s it. Blocking her. And a couple of others too.”

With a few taps on her phone, she set her phone down and looked at him with a smile. “Huh. That felt good, actually.”

He reached over and softly took her hand in his. “I’m glad.”

Iris looked down at their hands, closing her fingers around his. “Barry, there was actually a reason why I wanted to see you today. Well, beyond just our coffee meetups.”

He waited for her to continue, his pulse suddenly speeding up. What could be worse than her falling ill and almost losing her?

“I know I’ve been avoiding talking about my feelings and everything that lead up to how I became...anorexic,” she grimaced. “My god, it still feels weird saying it out loud. I mean, it was one thing when I was surrounded by therapists and others like me but saying it to you and dad feels different.”

He leaned forward and gripped her hand tighter. “Hey,” he said softly. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Iris. You’re human and one of the strongest I know.”

“That’s sweet of you to say,” she sniffled, her eyes pooling. “I definitely haven’t been feeling strong and when I think about how I let those people get to me, I feel like an idiot.”

Barry hesitated before asking the question he had been wanting. “Iris, what happened exactly? I mean, you’ve never had a problem with your body, and you saw everyone as equally beautiful. Remember Becky Cooper?”

Iris chuckled wryly. “Oh yeah, I remember. She tried to friend me on Facebook after my first prints came out.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment before shrugging.

“Becky Cooper was just a heinous person, you know? It was easy to dismiss her words as being a weapon but not having any substance. The people in the industry though," Iris shook her head in almost astonishment. "They're more conniving and manipulative. They don't say it outright, but it's just subtle comments here and there and with a smile on their face all the while. An affectionate brush of your hair or a comforting hug when I wasn't even agonizing, to begin with. Condescending, you know? And it bleeds like poison. It got to me before I even realized it."

Barry nodded as he clenched his jaws.

"I feel so stupid for letting it all get to me. I just don't understand how I could have let it. I mean, it’s not like I wanted a career as a model to begin with. It was just a means to get by and then I just let it take over my psyche. And I told myself I had to maintain the connections for my journalism career and that presentation was key," she said, rolling her eyes. “It’s all bullshit and anyone who tries to say that is full of it.”

"You're not stupid. I guess it’s different when you’re transported in a totally different world like that. It was new and you were trying to make it work.” He stroked her fingers. “I just wish you had told me what you were feeling, Iris, what was going on. I could have been there for you.”

“I think even as I felt insecure, I realized how stupid and vain it was. I was ashamed and I didn’t want you or dad to be disappointed in me for giving into the superficiality of it all. I mean, we made fun of that stuff and here I was, falling into it.” She shook her head and smiled sadly. “That’s the thing about insecurities though, isn’t it? They’re senseless and they prey on you at your most vulnerable.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“Done,” Iris said with a determined nod. “At least with that world. I’m even thinking that I don’t want to intern at some fashion magazine. I mean, it’s going to be a journey, learning to recondition and reframe my thinking, but cutting ties is a step in the right direction.”

“What about Caitlin?”

“Caitlin wasn’t the problem and said she’d have my back no matter what. I know she has some connections at CatCo, so I’ll ask her about that.”

His eyes roved over her face, trying to detect any discomfort, any signs that she was guarding something, but they were as open as he remembered them.

“Thank you for telling me, Iris.”

She huffed out a wry laugh. “I should have told you sooner,” she said. “I’m sorry I shut you out. I’ve missed you, I’ve missed _us_.”

“Me too,” he whispered, rubbing across her wrist. “I’ve missed you so much, but I didn’t want to push you like before. I thought I’d lose you for good if I did.”

“I don’t think that’s possible. Even when I was pushing you away, I knew I couldn’t shut you out entirely. I love you too much.”

Relief washed over him, and Barry didn’t realize how truly scared he felt about losing her love until that moment. He looked at the way her eyes shined, and he was drawn in like he always is with Iris. He leans in closer and watches with bated breath as she leans toward him in return.

“I love you too, Iris. So much,” he whispered before closing the distance and kissing her gently.

The sound of Iris’s phone broke through their haze.

“It’s my reminder. I have to get going to my appointment,” Iris said, turning back to him.

He brushed her hair away from her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She leaned into his touch with a sweet smile.

“Ok,” he said softly. “Call me when you get out?”

She nodded, turning to kiss his palm before taking her hand in hers. “So, um tomorrow, I have my group therapy and some of us go out afterward. Would you want to meet them?”

Barry’s eyes roved over her face, trying to gauge what she was feeling. “Y-yeah, that would be great. But only if that’s what you want, Iris. I want you to be able to talk to me, but I don’t want to crowd you or make you feel like you have to do anything for me. This isn’t about me or even us—”

“It’s about me,” she finished, lacing their fingers together. “I know. But this is part of my journey, letting my loved ones in. Even if it’s a little at a time.”

He beamed at her. “Ok. In that case, I would love it.”

She kissed his smile before gathering up her belongings fastidiously. “I’ll see you later,” she murmured.

The mind was a fragile, yet resilient wonder. As Barry watched Iris walk out of Jitters with a steadfast gait, he knew that hers was one that wasn’t going to go down without a fight. And he’d be standing by her every step of the way for as long as she wanted him.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a strange and tough one to write. I drew some of this from my own experience of watching a loved one deal with body dysmorphia, but this is very different from my experience.
> 
> I kind of wish I could have made this more into a full-length story, but I don’t think I want to draw this out and don’t think I can. Anyways, thank you for reading and I hope you guys liked it.
> 
> Also, EVERY body is beautiful. Love and appreciate it. <3


End file.
